A Rush of Blood to the Head
I should have been asleep a long time ago but I have spent the past three hours gazing outside the window. Shrouded in darkness, I watch the persistent rain fall and splash the windowsill. My suitemates are sound asleep, dreaming of graduate school, lab reports and film school. I can’t join them because the ambien I’ve ingested has failed me. I suppose, I could take another one but I’ve swallowed at least two. So with nothing but the rain, my computer, and my mind to keep me company, I’ve decided to write until my fingers hurt.
This past week, I have had a total of nine hours of sleep and the lack of sleep is taking its toll on my mind and body. I am falling apart and none of my friends are aware. I am quite the trickster: Smile and laugh. Smile, laugh & talk about random things. Smile and laugh to convince everyone. Speak of trivial things. Speak of anything. Nothing too depressing, though.
Example:Having not slept the night before on Wednesday, I was extremely exhausted and irritated. Yet, during dinner, my friend looks at me and says, “You look so happy! Why are you so happy? Your smile is contagious.” I nervously laugh and smile again. “I guess it has been a great day,” I tell him. Of course, on the inside I am confused and skeptical. Did he really just say that? I am wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, my hair looks like Medusa’s nest, and the bags under my eyes are obvious as day.But then I remember that I had been smiling and smiling has the power to deceive.
When was the last time I had genuinely smiled? I couldn’t tell you. It seems I have lost the ability to smile. My smile has disappeared and I wear a mask . It is simply easier to smile and carry on. I don’t have time to think. I don’t have time to do much. Therefore, I use caffeine pills to remain awake, to accomplish more. Much like everything else, sleeping has become irrelevant. I am running to stand still. I am moving to feel.
How and when did my life become this shit-show? I am never going to be okay and that terrifies me. Then again, it’s the most I have ever felt in my life. It lets me know that I am not going insane. However, I am not this strong individual nor am I this intelligent person people make me out to me. I feel absolutely alone and the pain gnaws at my soul.
As I watch the rain, I am tempted to leave my apartment and go sit in the rain. At least in the rain, I could mask my tears.
I just really need to get some sleep. Sleep would be nice.
